��ࡱ�>�� np����m��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������9 ��1tbjbj���������p������l��������JJJ8��,��+|��(������w+y+y+y+y+y+y+$t- �/N�+�������+�������+����|����w+��w+� ��!R#*���S+�� ��EO6���� JQ+S+$�+0�+5+�0QL�0S+��������Thi Do Nguyen Born 25.4.1949, Vietnam The Story of Her Life "Rice was the salary we earned in our country." I was born in a district of Hanoi called Soc Son. I am fifty-four years old. My father is dead and my mother is eighty-five years old. We were four brothers and sisters, but one of my brothers was killed in the war. I was able to go to school as a child and when I was older I went to a training college for kindergarten teachers. Before coming to the SOS Children's Village, I worked as a kindergarten teacher for nineteen years. I got married when I was twenty-two and lived with my husband for seventeen years. We didn't have any children and then I heard about SOS Children's Villages, so I left my husband and started working as an SOS mother. I was happy being with the children in my previous job, but I did think it would be better to have a permanent home. I heard that SOS Children's Villages were founding new families and I applied for the job of an SOS mother. I wanted this job, so that I could have children just like all the other women in our society. Could you describe your parents? What did they live on? My parents wanted all of us children to have an education. They were farmers and, as you know, people from rural areas don't often have the money to send their children to school. We all went as far as secondary school, except for me. I was confident and committed enough to be able to work and study at the same time. I finished grammar school and then completed the training course for kindergarten teachers. At that time my parents didn't have land of their own. They worked for a landowner. They did all the work and had to pay rent for the land by giving up part of their rice harvest. Thanks to the communist party, they were then given their own piece of land to work. My parents supported me until I married and moved out. What role did your mother play at home? My mother was a farmer. When she was young she went out to the fields twice a day. Once we were born she had to work very hard to earn enough rice to feed us all. We didn't have any machines to remove the husks from the rice. My mother had to do it all by hand. She had to get up early in the morning to work in the fields and in the evenings she husked the rice by hand. For a long time she was a member of the women's association in our community. Their aim was to support each other as women and to help the poorer women. What memories do you have of your father? Even though he was poor, he loved us a lot. When I was ten years old, I wanted to stay at home to cook for my parents but my father worried that it would be too dangerous. My family was poor and we knew that we only had rice or sweet potatoes to eat. He ate the sweet potatoes, so that we could have the rice. Perhaps you could tell us something about your grandparents? Both my grandparents were farmers. They died when I was quite young. I didn't know them but my father told me quite a bit about them. He told me that they were very poor. They worked as farmers for a landowner and were paid very little. Rice was the salary we were paid in our country. My mother's parents had three children and my father's parents had four. What do your brothers and sisters do? They all completed secondary school. My elder brother went into the army in 1961 and served until he fell in 1967. My younger brother got married as soon as he left school. He has got five children and is a farmer. My younger sister is also married and she lives with her husband in the place where we all grew up. She is a farmer and has one son who got married last month. My sister looks just like me and we both take after our mother. You've already mentioned the war. What did you experience during that time? I burst into tears on the evening I heard that my brother had fallen in the war. We had a funeral ceremony for him but we didn't know where he had died. We still don't know, because he was never found. One of the soldiers tried to rescue his body and dig him a grave, but the bomb had been so terrible that they couldn't find his body. My brother had always worked hard. He had worked and studied at the same time. A lot of men who were studying had to go to the front in the war. Before he was sent to the south of the country, he sent me a pen, which I value very much. He said I should try to study. My brother's life was so short. If he were alive today, he would be sixty years old. When the war broke out up here in the north I was fifteen. The war reached our community in 1971/72. It was very noisy when the bombs exploded outside the village. The bombs falling killed nobody in our village, but some of the bombs landed in the fields and people were killed later when they were working in the fields. Even though there were a lot of bombs, our house wasn't damaged. I was working as a kindergarten teacher then. We didn't have any tables or chairs and just sat on the floor. When the air-raid warning came, all the children and teachers had to put on straw hats and hide in the underground bunkers. What did your husband do? My husband was also a soldier. He was responsible for distributing the weapons. We got married in 1972, when the war was at its worst. His base was just one kilometre away from my home village but he still didn't come home very often because he was always being sent into action a long way from home. The war in Vietnam finished in 1975. However, my husband only came home in 1982. When he returned, the co-operative gave us our own piece of land. We built a house and he worked as a farmer. My mother lives there now and looks after the house. The place where my husband comes from is about a hundred and fifty kilometres away from Hanoi. After we got divorced, he married another woman and lived in my village for a few years. Now he and his second wife have moved back to the province where he came from. Did you and your husband ever think about adopting? There was a poor family with eight children who lived about ten kilometres from our village. They really couldn't afford so many children. They didn't have any furniture, no beds and no table. Therefore, all their children had to grow up in other families. My husband and I also adopted a boy who was four years old. When he was nine, his father died and there was no man in the family anymore. This is very important in Vietnam and so the family asked us if we would give them the boy back. Now he's married with two children. He's still in touch with my family and my mother and comes to visit me in the holidays. Sometimes I visit him too. I'm happy that my boy still thinks of me as his "mother". After he went home, I looked after one of my nieces. She lived with me for three years until she was eighteen. Then she married a young man from the same village and now has two children. Have you got a friend that you can talk to? I have a close friend that I can share all my private thoughts with. She lives in my village and is also a farmer. When I find time to visit my mother I go to visit her too. I have another close friend too. Both of them now have grown-up children. You worked as a kindergarten teacher and a primary school teacher before you became an SOS mother? There was no school in the nearby town for the children from our village, and so I worked as a primary school teacher in the mornings and as a kindergarten teacher in the afternoons for seven years. I wasn't paid anything for this work. When a new teacher came to the village, the headmaster said that I should carry on working as a kindergarten teacher. I would have been paid a small salary for teaching primary school, but a kindergarten teacher isn't paid anything, because the kindergarten belongs to the village and the village can only pay with rice. I was an excellent teacher and was given a certificate by the local authorities in recognition of my work. All the people who lived in our community were impressed by my teaching methods. What are your particular talents and strengths? I really care for my children with all my heart. Apart from that I don't have any special talents. I'm just an ordinary woman. Motivation for Her Choice of Profession "I felt good when I imagined being able to live together with my new children." SOS Children's Villages sent information to my local authorities and the women's committee passed it on to me. The advertisement informed me that, as an SOS mother, I would have a family and would have to look after ten children. That meant that I would be living like a mother and that made me happy. My family tried to stop me from sending off the application forms, because I would have to go so far away to work and they didn't understand what SOS Children's Villages was about either. I told them, "If I mean anything to you, please let me work there. I think it would bring me the right balance in my unlucky life." They were able to understand this and gave me permission. I explained SOS Children's Villages more to them once I had completed the basic training, and they were able to understand it better. My friends were also very understanding and were happy about my new job. My mother was happy, because it meant she would have more grandchildren and my brother and sister were happy, because it meant that I too would now have children, even if I couldn't have any myself. I had spent a year previously looking for a second wife for my husband. I divorced him in the hope that he would have a happier life with another woman. I asked a younger woman if she wanted to marry my husband, in order to bear him children. And I felt good when I imagined being able to live together with my new children. I thought to myself, "This is my village, this is my family, these are my children. I don't want to live as I did before anymore." Could you tell us a bit about your training to be an SOS mother? When I went on the training course, we were taught about the philosophy and values of child rearing. We were given the confirmation that we could become SOS mothers and also an introduction to the SOS family. The trainers all came from external institutions such as the psychology department or the teacher training college at the university. They taught us how to look after a baby, how to guide a family and what sort of daily schedule the children of different ages should have as well as how to bring them up. We learned about motherhood and the love between a mother and a child. We all make mistakes and so does a child, but despite all these mistakes a mother loves her child. A mother has to care about all aspects of the child's life, whether it be his career or personal development and to support him at all times. When the child grows up, she has to care for the youth too. I had to learn how to prevent illnesses, how to treat children when they are sick, or how to deal with the children arguing with each other. When I had finished the training course I had to do a practical in a state-run orphanage. The training course lasted a total of seventy-five days for both the theoretical and practical parts. In the meantime the village was finished. It was the first SOS Children's Village to be built after the war. I went home for a week after the training course and then we started work. Everything went well except that my husband didn't want a divorce. So I explained SOS Children's Villages to him. Then I wrote an application for divorce and sent it to the courts. Experiences as an SOS Mother "I had to change and learn new things, in order to be able to cope with the demands made on me." I arrived in the village in October 1989. I was given my first children in January 1990. By the end of that year I already had eleven children and we were a family. I had to get up early in the mornings to feed the baby and make the children's breakfast. I didn't have an SOS aunt to help me and so I did all the housework myself. After I had fed the baby, I helped the three-year-old. As soon as I had made the older children's breakfast, I got them ready for school. There wasn't an SOS Kindergarten in the village then and we had to leave the babies and smaller children with another SOS mother if we wanted to go to the market. When I got back from the market, I prepared lunch. Then I washed the little ones' clothes until the children came home from school. As soon as they came home, I taught them to wash their faces and hands before sitting down to eat. In the afternoons, I would play with the little ones, give them a bath at about half past four and then cook dinner. We all sat down to dinner together and afterwards we would watch the children's programmes on television. During the night I had to feed the youngest one twice and I would keep checking that the children were all lying in the correct position. I don't have a small child at the moment, but at night I still check to see that the children have got all their arms and legs under the mosquito net. That's a day in the life of an SOS mother. How has your working relationship with the other SOS mothers developed? I get on well with all the other SOS mothers in the village. We are like one big family. If there is a sick child in one of the families, we all get together to find out what has happened and to see if we can help. We have been the same group of SOS mothers since the village opened. Only one woman left, because her family did not agree with her being here. The woman who replaced her was on the same training course as us and worked as an SOS aunt until she was made an SOS mother. What is your working relationship with the village director like? I have never had any problems with the village director, nor with the other co-workers. Every time I had any difficulties in bringing up my children I asked them for advice and they helped me. Basically, all the staff here, the SOS mothers, the village director and the other co-workers have the same job and that is to support the children's development and to ensure them a secure future. What has your experience been of having a female village director? As you probably know, most of our village directors are men. If the village director is a woman, she will help us with the babies. The first village director was married and she lived in the village with her family. Because she had her own children, she knew how difficult it was to look after a baby. When I took the baby in, she helped me to feed and bathe it. She also always had a lot of understanding for the other SOS mothers. She supported us in carrying out our tasks and explained things to us that either we did not know, or did not understand. I think that the village director's main task is to be there so that I can talk to him or her when I need support. Have you, as a person, changed since you've been in the SOS Children's Village? When I lived in my village at home and taught, I only had to do a teacher's job. Here in the SOS Children's Village, however, I have to work with the children who live with me all day and every day. I had to change and learn new things, in order to be able to cope with the demands made on me. I also had to change my way of thinking entirely: how could I bring the children up to be useful and helpful citizens? When I was a teacher, I only had to fulfil the duties of a teacher but now I have to be a mother and a teacher at the same time. In addition to that, I have a double role in bringing up the children. I have to be both the mother and the father. When a young boy grows up with a father, he obeys his father. However, in my family there is no father so I have to try to talk to him like a father. They accept that. The boys listen to me and obey me when I'm in my father role. I try to explain to them that they are growing up in the SOS Children's Village, because they don't have any parents and that they have to try hard at school so that they can achieve the same as the other children. Have you received any in-service training? Generally I go to the monthly meetings where somebody holds a lecture on different topics and where we are given more training in bringing up children. Since early 2001 we have had an SOS Vocational Training Centre here in Hanoi. Last year they offered six courses and this year the SOS mothers from Hanoi will take part in a refresher course. What has been your best experience since you've been in the SOS Children's Village and what has been the worst situation that you have had to deal with? The best thing has been to have a big family and to feel the harmony within it. The most difficult thing for me was in the early years when all the children were of different ages and all came from different places. Can you remember a moment when you were particularly happy? I can remember the day when I first took my children to my village. My mother and my brother and sisters were very happy that we came to visit. Everybody from the village came to our house to see me and my children. There I'd been for seventeen years with no children and all of a sudden I had eleven children, including a baby. They were all happy and smiled at me. You should have heard the driver who took us there! He told our first village director that he had been to my village with me and that it was as if he had been in a foreign country that was full of harmony. How would you describe your job to an outsider? Anybody who doesn't know anything about SOS Children's Villages thinks that an SOS mother works like any other care person in an orphanage. Some people think that the work is very easy. That's why I like to explain what the SOS Children's Village is all about. Each of us has to take care of ten or eleven children of all different ages. I go to the market every day and look after each child as if I were a real mother. Now people from outside can understand our work better and even admire us for it. They say, "You are amazing. You have a large family with lots of children and even have to look after the babies. That's hard work." What do you think is the difference between yourself and a single parent outside the SOS Children's Village? I don't have to worry about earning money to feed my family. I can save my energy for caring for the children and for bringing them up. I base my methods of child-rearing on the theories we learned on the training course - a natural mother can bring up her children however she feels is right. An SOS mother has to be very careful how she treats the children and what she says to them, so that the children don't get the impression that they're not loved. A natural mother can sometimes be cross with her child but that child will never doubt that his mother loves him. However, the children in my family can't depend on being loved, because I'm not their real mother. That means that I have to be very careful. What do you do in your free time and holidays? In my free time I stay at home with the children and we do the housework or play together. Sometimes I take the children to the market and we have a wander around, or I visit my daughter who is already married. I like to read the newspaper and I like to watch the news or programmes on television about bringing up children. When I take my annual holiday I usually take the children to visit my mother. I normally only take three days� holiday and not the full twelve. If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for? First of all I'd wish for all the children and SOS mothers to remain in good health. My second wish would be for my children all to become useful and independent citizens - that's my biggest wish in life. My third wish is for my children all to manage to find good jobs and to have regular incomes so that they can lead good lives. I also hope that the emotional tie between us, the children and the village, will last even after I've retired one day. I hope that the ties will last forever. And what do you wish for yourself for the future? Personally I hope that my children will still come to visit me even after I've retired. I hope that there will be a home for retired SOS mothers by then, where I can live together with my former colleagues. If I can stay near the SOS Children's Village, my children will be able to visit me. If, however, there is no such house by then, I will have to go back to my village and live with one of my cousins or my nephews and nieces. The Children in Her Care "An SOS mother has to ask the children questions; she has to guide them and advise them." I was given my first child on the 2nd of January 1990. He came from the outskirts of Hanoi and his name is Tuan Hai. Two days later I took in two more children. One of them had been abandoned by her parents. The mother was disabled and knew that her daughter was also mentally disabled. She left her in a very poor house in the centre of Hanoi. Luckily there was a neighbour who gave her a bit of rice every day. She was lying on a thin mat and looked terrible. She was three years old at the time. When I picked her up, she cried. She couldn't speak clearly and only used ugly words. When I took her in, I let her sleep with me. My family house wasn't equipped to cope with a whole family yet,because the SOS Children's Village had only just been completed. So my children had to sleep on the floor. Thanks to the care given her by everybody in the village, she began to eat and soon began to grow. Because she was disabled, though, she was never able to recover fully. She often had a high temperature and wasn�t able to move one side of her body. She was in hospital a lot, but there was no treatment for her illness. Even though she did not get better, I didn't want to send her to an orphanage. The village director tried to convince me that it would be better for her to go to a specialist facility where they could help her more. I asked her to leave the child in my care, but she said, "The SOS Children's Village doesn't have the specialist equipment needed for disabled children. She's still small now and you can lift her onto the toilet, but what will happen when she's bigger and heavier and we can't lift her anymore? You've got other children in your family who need looking after too. Please send her to the orphanage for disabled children." I couldn't sleep for a week after she went to the orphanage, because I missed her so much. The village director didn't want me to go with her on the day she moved, because she knew that I would cry. Two years later I visited her in the orphanage. I had made clothes for her. When I got there I saw that she was able to sit upright in a chair. She even remembered me and smiled when she saw me. However, her illness was very bad and she died a year later. Two more children arrived two months after this little girl. They were brother and sister and their parents had died. They were living in extreme poverty and only had potatoes and sweet potatoes to eat, but no rice. When the two of them came to me, the boy, who was the older one, was very ill. His younger sister was three years old and also extremely malnourished. She had a big bald head. Her arms and legs were very small and she had a very fat tummy. The village director showed me what I had to do to make her hair grow again. I took her to the doctors to have her examined and given medicine. After three months she was eating quite well and she started to grow and so did her hair. Now she studies in the evenings and is healthy and fat. Her name is Hanh and her brother is Tien. My eldest daughter is Na and she comes from a suburb of Hanoi. She's the one who already has a baby. She had seven brothers and sisters and was only seven months old when her parents died. She lived with her brothers and sisters after that. She was seven years old when she came to the SOS Children's Village. A lot of people thought that she was only five, because she was so weak. Thanks to the care that everyone has given her here, she quickly grew bigger. I was given another child in October 1990. She had been abandoned outside Hanoi. Her name is Hien. When she arrived, everybody from the village came to look at her and a lot of them had to laugh, because she was so dirty. She had black skin and curly hair. I said to the village director, "Perhaps she comes from the mountains, or from Africa?!" I looked after her and bathed her and a week later she was already a shade whiter. She ate a lot and grew so quickly that I got worried. As she grew bigger she also got prettier. She always did well at kindergarten and school. She's now the class representative and takes part in all the school activities. I took good care of her, woke her up at night to see to her when she had a high temperature and now she has grown quickly and is healthy. I've been very lucky with this child. None of the other children had any problems with their health when they came here. Those I've described were the difficult ones. Including the one who died, I've cared for eighteen children. Seven of them are either in the youth homes or the SOS Vocational Training Centre, or they've got married. You've already mentioned where some of your children came from. Do you know all their histories? I know all the family histories. Most of the parents are dead and two of them have parents who are mentally ill. I know all their relatives. They come to see the children and realise that I'm taking good care of them. They are thankful for that and I'm often invited to visit them. They also come to visit the children. Do the children ever ask where they come from? I've explained it to them and told them about where they come from. Whilst they are still small, I keep this information to myself and don't tell them about their tragic pasts. I only tell them about where they come from and how they used to live, once they've grown up a bit. When they are about fifteen or sixteen years old, I tell them their stories. At that age they are able to understand these things. All my children should know where they come from and be familiar with their family histories. How do you interact with the educators? We have got five educators altogether. Three of them are in the village and two are in the youth home. The educators visit each family every day and are in close contact with the SOS mothers. If something is wrong with one of the children, if for example, the child is developing slowly either physically or mentally, I'll ask the educator for advice. Each of them has their own field of expertise. One is for learning, one for general activities and another for music and movement. Generally I work with them all. They all do their best to support the children's development. Do you have development plans here in Vietnam? We work out a development plan for each child in the village. This means that the village has information about which training centre would be most suitable for a particular child and which children will be allowed to continue their studies. If I have a grown-up child, who is about to take his "A"-levels and go to university, I ask that child, "Which university would you like to go to and which institute would you like to be at? And, if you don't make it, what sort of job training would you like to do?" An SOS mother has to ask the children questions; she has to guide and advise them. Then she has to tell the village administration, who gets in touch with the training centre. The village director and the educator both write regular reports on each child's development. Are you still in touch with those children who have already left your family? Normally my children all come to visit me when they have time off. If they're very busy, they'll phone me to see how I am and sometimes I visit my children who are living in the youth home, or who are married. If one of the youths living in the youth facility is ill and has a temperature, I go to visit him, to take care of him. All the SOS mothers do the same. What do you wish for your girls and boys? I hope that they will find good jobs with a good income. I hope that the boys will lead good lives and will marry good women. I hope that the girls will find good jobs and have regular incomes and I hope that they will choose good husbands. I hope that they will all have happy family lives with their own families. To My Colleagues Around the World I would like to send my respectful greetings to all other SOS mothers in the world. From the bottom of my heart I wish them all health, and luck and happiness with their children. With bests wishes from Mrs Nguyen Thi Do, SOS mother from SOS Children's Village Hanoi. 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